So apparently this has become my post-once-a-year-ranting blog. It's okay. My first Nano two years ago is documented here pretty well, then I haven't written anything about Nano 16, though I completed it successfully too. I mean, successfully in terms of word count, not so much on terms of my writing skills. And it seems I'm running into the same problem again.
Last year, I had to change main characters in the middle of the month, because my original mains started to feel flat and uninteresting and I didn't know what to do with them. This sucked, but it also opened my eyes to my greatest flaw as a writer: I'm bad at creating characters. Unfortunately, knowing it this year didn't make me put any more effort into my characters, because I'm also lazy, and I'm pretty sure that's why I'm already in the deep with my story at 10,000 words. (Also, how in the heck did I write 17,800 words in six days the first year? How?!)
Story ideas and worlds have always been fairly easy to me, and I still feel like I cope with them pretty well. When I was younger, I never faced any problems with characters, either (though that's probably because I was young and I just didn't realise all my characters were flat re-iterations of me and/or characters from books by other people). The point, however, is that because of this, I never learned to create characters. To take the time and actually find out what kind of people they are. I've always just kind of expected them to be there when I start writing, and only recently I've realised that it's not that easy.
This is the thing which I obviously have to learn the hard way, because I'm still reluctant to sit down with those "40 questions of your characters" sheets and fill them out. I can't be bothered. But I also get mad at myself for not bothering. I want to write well. I want to write characters that are deep and complicated and have questionable morals because of their tragic childhood. I've tried to learn this - to start planning a story not with the plot or the world, but with the characters. I'm still very much in the process of learning this, though, and couldn't apply it to this year's Nano, which is why my characters just sound like versions of me again. *sigh*
I know this could be easily solved by writing more plot-driven stories where all the characters don't need to be planned so in-depth. I don't want to do that, though. I want to write about people. I think people are interesting. I think people should always be in the centre of stories, because I find people infinitely more fascinating than blowing up buildings. So why can't I write people like that?
I don't really have an uplifting ending note to this post. I really just wanted to rant about my insufficient skills and the difficulty or writing.
Sunday, 5 November 2017
Friday, 4 March 2016
Time Flies
Is it really March already and I've last posted in December? Oh my. I still find myself thinking about that last post almost every day, so I hadn't realised how much time it has actually been.
I have started a completely new life, au pairing in England for the spring. It has its ups and downs and sometimes the downs overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole job just overwhelms me. It's been nice, though, and I've learned so many new things. In the same time, however, I haven't had much time to all the old things in my life. Like writing.
I've drabbled some things for my and Chrystal's collab project, but nothing internet-worthy. I keep thinking about editing (or even finishing) my NaNo, but haven't got around to that either. I did start the sexuality text I talked about in my last post, but it's still in a very early stage and currently I don't very much like how it's turning out. So it might be a while until I get it to a place where it works and I like it and I'm ready to give it to the world to read.
So, to give you something to read besides my thoughts on how I've got nothing, I'll try and write something on the spot. If it's terribly bad, you know why.
Genre: contemporary, drama
Rating: A
Warnings: -
A/N: On-the-spot-writing tends to produce partly autobiographical content. Stress on partly, though. This is a work of fiction and the narrator is not me. Thanks to Liberté for your coffee shop AU comment;)
The world has never been this full of cute people, I wonder to myself as I sit in a coffeehouse in my new hometown. I found the place on my second day here and so far haven't entered another establishment of the same category. I haven't needed to. This place makes all sorts of excellent cakes and the best hot chocolate ever.
"Look out for that coffee shop AU", my friend told me when she heard about the place. She forgot one thing, though: I'm not a person to whom coffee shop AUs happen. Sure, like I just said, the world has never been this full of cute people - I don't know what's in this town's water to make everyone so damn good looking - but that's just an observation. Observations don't lead to any sort of outcomes unless someone takes action.
I won't.
The first few months in this town have been tough in their own way, but I wouldn't trade them for sitting around in my parents' house, doing nothing. I love my school. I like my apartment. I embrace my coffeehouse routine. So it takes a while for me to realise that I'm not the only one observing my surroundings.
My favourite table is by the wall facing the cashier. I can see out, I can see everyone coming through the door, but I get to be in peace. Sitting across from the cashier of course inevitably produces the fact that whoever is working the counter can see me very clearly. I, however, am used to becoming a part of the wallpaper with my textbooks and headphones. I do observe that the girl working the counter on most Saturdays is exceptionally cute, but I never expect her to take note of me.
"Hi there, how are you", she says when I enter the coffeehouse what must be around the tenth time I come. "Your luxury large hot chocolate?"
I stare at her. Yes, that is what I drink every single time, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she remembers me by now. But no one really remembers the wallpaper they look at every day.
"Um, yes please", I say. She laughs at my confused expression. "And...", I take a quick look at the pastries. "A triple chocolate muffin, please."
"I knew you'd go for that one", she smiles. "You always go for the maximum amount of chocolate."
"I do?"
"Mm-hmm", she nods. "And then you come back in an hour or two for the iced tea to ease up on your chocolate overdose."
I stare at her a bit more. She's right. That is exactly what happens. I feel my defenses step into place.
"Oh, I love chocolate too", she says when she sees my expression grow guarded. "It's just that, that's what I noticed you for. You have respectable chocolate-consuming skills."
I can't help but laugh at this. "Thanks?"
"You're welcome", she grins. "Six fifty-five, please."
I hand the money over and as I go take hold of my table, I can't help glancing back at her. She smiles at me. I put my headphones on but no music. I have a feeling that someone might hear it, though I never blare my music, and notice me. Like a big red cross in the boring wallpaper.
I'm not sure I like being observed.
I have started a completely new life, au pairing in England for the spring. It has its ups and downs and sometimes the downs overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole job just overwhelms me. It's been nice, though, and I've learned so many new things. In the same time, however, I haven't had much time to all the old things in my life. Like writing.
I've drabbled some things for my and Chrystal's collab project, but nothing internet-worthy. I keep thinking about editing (or even finishing) my NaNo, but haven't got around to that either. I did start the sexuality text I talked about in my last post, but it's still in a very early stage and currently I don't very much like how it's turning out. So it might be a while until I get it to a place where it works and I like it and I'm ready to give it to the world to read.
So, to give you something to read besides my thoughts on how I've got nothing, I'll try and write something on the spot. If it's terribly bad, you know why.
Genre: contemporary, drama
Rating: A
Warnings: -
A/N: On-the-spot-writing tends to produce partly autobiographical content. Stress on partly, though. This is a work of fiction and the narrator is not me. Thanks to Liberté for your coffee shop AU comment;)
The world has never been this full of cute people, I wonder to myself as I sit in a coffeehouse in my new hometown. I found the place on my second day here and so far haven't entered another establishment of the same category. I haven't needed to. This place makes all sorts of excellent cakes and the best hot chocolate ever.
"Look out for that coffee shop AU", my friend told me when she heard about the place. She forgot one thing, though: I'm not a person to whom coffee shop AUs happen. Sure, like I just said, the world has never been this full of cute people - I don't know what's in this town's water to make everyone so damn good looking - but that's just an observation. Observations don't lead to any sort of outcomes unless someone takes action.
I won't.
The first few months in this town have been tough in their own way, but I wouldn't trade them for sitting around in my parents' house, doing nothing. I love my school. I like my apartment. I embrace my coffeehouse routine. So it takes a while for me to realise that I'm not the only one observing my surroundings.
My favourite table is by the wall facing the cashier. I can see out, I can see everyone coming through the door, but I get to be in peace. Sitting across from the cashier of course inevitably produces the fact that whoever is working the counter can see me very clearly. I, however, am used to becoming a part of the wallpaper with my textbooks and headphones. I do observe that the girl working the counter on most Saturdays is exceptionally cute, but I never expect her to take note of me.
"Hi there, how are you", she says when I enter the coffeehouse what must be around the tenth time I come. "Your luxury large hot chocolate?"
I stare at her. Yes, that is what I drink every single time, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she remembers me by now. But no one really remembers the wallpaper they look at every day.
"Um, yes please", I say. She laughs at my confused expression. "And...", I take a quick look at the pastries. "A triple chocolate muffin, please."
"I knew you'd go for that one", she smiles. "You always go for the maximum amount of chocolate."
"I do?"
"Mm-hmm", she nods. "And then you come back in an hour or two for the iced tea to ease up on your chocolate overdose."
I stare at her a bit more. She's right. That is exactly what happens. I feel my defenses step into place.
"Oh, I love chocolate too", she says when she sees my expression grow guarded. "It's just that, that's what I noticed you for. You have respectable chocolate-consuming skills."
I can't help but laugh at this. "Thanks?"
"You're welcome", she grins. "Six fifty-five, please."
I hand the money over and as I go take hold of my table, I can't help glancing back at her. She smiles at me. I put my headphones on but no music. I have a feeling that someone might hear it, though I never blare my music, and notice me. Like a big red cross in the boring wallpaper.
I'm not sure I like being observed.
Monday, 7 December 2015
In Other News: About Me, Writing And Sexuality
I already have a new story idea. It might come down to nothing, but I want to write something resembling my own experiences this autumn, in a very specific aspect. The past months, I've spent a lot of time learning about sexual minorities and the LGBT+ community, as well as my own place in it. It has been an interesting ride, and timing-wise collided with me getting used to the idea that a friend of mine is trans. I'm so OK with them being trans but it took some time to learn to use their new name and start to think of them as a guy. (I'm going with 'they' because I'm not sure which pronoun would be appropriate or how they wish to be called. Finnish only has one, gender-neutral pronoun. So much easier that way.)
The whole concept of the LGBT+ community has been somewhat blurred to me for years. Who can claim to be a part of it? How do I know if I'm actually bi if I haven't ever dated anyone; do I just think I'm bi, and is that enough? And am I, in fact, bi at all? How do I fit in, am I accepted?
These are all questions I've been asking myself for some time now. This autumn three places on the internet have helped me to understand the community as well as myself a lot better. They are as follows:
The whole concept of the LGBT+ community has been somewhat blurred to me for years. Who can claim to be a part of it? How do I know if I'm actually bi if I haven't ever dated anyone; do I just think I'm bi, and is that enough? And am I, in fact, bi at all? How do I fit in, am I accepted?
These are all questions I've been asking myself for some time now. This autumn three places on the internet have helped me to understand the community as well as myself a lot better. They are as follows:
- Gay YA is a blog and a website about LGBTQIA people in young adult literature. I came across them during bisexual awareness week and since then, they have also participated in asexual awareness week and trans awareness week. I've learned so much and read so many important and intelligent posts.
- Quilt Magazine is a site for LGBT+ representation. They also have very good articles regarding the community.
- Morgan York's blog post has probably been the single most effective thing. More on that next.
In her long but thoroughly interesting post Morgan York talks about gender identity, sexual identity and how everyone should be welcomed to the LGBT+ community without questioning their right to be there. She also explains some of the terminology that had previously been unclear to me and she had a huge impact on how I see myself as a part of the community.
For years, I had identified as bisexual. As I said, I haven't dated anyone ever, but I've been interested in and attracted to more than one gender. Still, I wasn't sure if I truly fell into the LGBT+ spectrum and I often thought of myself more as an ally. Why was that? I didn't think I was bi enough, or something. First thing I learned from Morgan York's post, that changed my way of thinking: I am definitely enough. No one can tell me otherwise.
I always thought I was bisexual because that was the term I was familiar with. But as the Gay YA and Morgan York invaded my life, I learned a new term: pansexual. It means a person who can be attracted to men, women, and other people of other genders or with no gender at all. First I rejected this; I had claimed the label bisexual and I was familiar with it. The more I thought about it, though, the more I felt that pan is actually what I am. I'm interested in people. Cute people, intelligent people, all sorts of people and I don't care where they fall on the gender spectrum.
Slowly but steadily I have claimed my newly-found label and started to like it. I feel comfortable in my own skin and head and a little giddy because I have met the nicest and cutest person (who probably is waay ot of my reach for multiple reasons, but who cares.) All the awareness weeks have certainly made me very aware and taught me a lot of new terminology and other super interesting things. My trans friend gets to start their process in the spring and I'm so happy for them.
All this has come down to one thing: I want to write about it. About taking the first steps into the community, about finding out things about yourself, about falling for someone and about wrapping your head around the fact that your friend is still the same person but how awesome they are because they had the guts to come out to you and a bunch of other friends.
I want to do it well, too. I want to avoid any problematic narratives and ways of thinking. This is what scares me a bit: I've read a ton of material on why this and that is problematic, and while I feel smarter now, I'm also afraid of doing just the wrong thing anyway. I want to do it and I want to do it right. There's little point in writing queer representation if I just make myself part of another problem.
But yeah. This is a story idea I'm rolling around in my head right now. If I get it written at some point, I'll probably post it here. I really wish that will happen. Also, if there's something inaccurate in this post or the story, please let me know. I'm still fairly new to all of this and might get something accidentally wrong.
No, I Didn't Mean to Leave You Hanging
I'm so sorry for my lack of updates since reaching 25,000 words. It's just been such a carousel around here.
First things first: I did win NaNoWriMo! My final wordcount was 55,563 and my book isn't finished yet. Sadly, I haven't had time write the final scenes, but I have them played out in my head so it shouldn't be too much of an effort to put them on paper. I'm also itching to start revising already...! I love revising. I get to write new things and get rid of the bad things and polish and make everything good. Yay:)
But as I said, I haven't yet had time to even finish. Nor have I had time to write here. There is one simple reason for that: my high school graduation.
Yes. This important and happy, if tearful, event took place last Friday. I have my white cap and my diploma and a house full of roses, and it's great. It's sad, too, though. I loved my school. I still have hard time believing I was accepted in, and now I'm out already. Where did these three and a half years go?
I could go on about my melancholy and my entirely lovable friends and my party Saturday, but I guess I'm not doing that, because it really has nothing do with writing or this blog or anything. This short glimpse was just to offer an explanation as to why I haven't been online much. Arranging a party for 80 odd people takes some time and effort.
(I wanted to share a photo with you but I can't because my laptop doesn't care for communicating with other laptops in this household. I think my laptop's breaking down slowly, anyway. Time to start looking for a new one!)
First things first: I did win NaNoWriMo! My final wordcount was 55,563 and my book isn't finished yet. Sadly, I haven't had time write the final scenes, but I have them played out in my head so it shouldn't be too much of an effort to put them on paper. I'm also itching to start revising already...! I love revising. I get to write new things and get rid of the bad things and polish and make everything good. Yay:)
But as I said, I haven't yet had time to even finish. Nor have I had time to write here. There is one simple reason for that: my high school graduation.
Yes. This important and happy, if tearful, event took place last Friday. I have my white cap and my diploma and a house full of roses, and it's great. It's sad, too, though. I loved my school. I still have hard time believing I was accepted in, and now I'm out already. Where did these three and a half years go?
I could go on about my melancholy and my entirely lovable friends and my party Saturday, but I guess I'm not doing that, because it really has nothing do with writing or this blog or anything. This short glimpse was just to offer an explanation as to why I haven't been online much. Arranging a party for 80 odd people takes some time and effort.
(I wanted to share a photo with you but I can't because my laptop doesn't care for communicating with other laptops in this household. I think my laptop's breaking down slowly, anyway. Time to start looking for a new one!)
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
Halfway Point!
Yes, today I reached the halfway point of NaNoWriMo, that is, 25,000 words. A lot, huh? I'm impressed myself.
However, I was hit on the head with a horrible thought just now: what if I don't finish? I don't doubt my pace - the NaNo Stats tell me that at this rate I'll finish on November 20 and that's fine by me. I doubt my story.
I'm quite long into A Girl of Dark and Dust already, and I'm seriously starting to doubt whether I'll have enough story to match the words. There is still a lot to happen... but is my book too short to be a book? I was so certain that this time it was actually a book-lenght book. What if it isn't?
Of course, I've planned three more books. If it looks like I don't have enough story to match the word count, I can just continue into Book Two. It just kind of feels like cheating. I had a plan.
I know this is nothing to freak out about. Plans change. I can make The Dust Saga into a trilogy, if need be. I just... I'm confused right now.
We'll see how it turns out, I guess. There is still a lot in the end to happen, so maybe I'm freaking out over nothing. And I can always add stuff to the middle, if I can just come up with something that would support the plot and work. (That is not a given, but hey, let's try anyway. If needed.)
Now I'm going to sleep before I get too worked up over this. Oh, one more thing: I'm applying for this tomorrow or the day after. It's Stiefvater, folks! Stiefvater!
However, I was hit on the head with a horrible thought just now: what if I don't finish? I don't doubt my pace - the NaNo Stats tell me that at this rate I'll finish on November 20 and that's fine by me. I doubt my story.
I'm quite long into A Girl of Dark and Dust already, and I'm seriously starting to doubt whether I'll have enough story to match the words. There is still a lot to happen... but is my book too short to be a book? I was so certain that this time it was actually a book-lenght book. What if it isn't?
Of course, I've planned three more books. If it looks like I don't have enough story to match the word count, I can just continue into Book Two. It just kind of feels like cheating. I had a plan.
I know this is nothing to freak out about. Plans change. I can make The Dust Saga into a trilogy, if need be. I just... I'm confused right now.
We'll see how it turns out, I guess. There is still a lot in the end to happen, so maybe I'm freaking out over nothing. And I can always add stuff to the middle, if I can just come up with something that would support the plot and work. (That is not a given, but hey, let's try anyway. If needed.)
Now I'm going to sleep before I get too worked up over this. Oh, one more thing: I'm applying for this tomorrow or the day after. It's Stiefvater, folks! Stiefvater!
Saturday, 7 November 2015
It's Been So Many Days Already
What to do when should sleep? Blog!
My NaNoWriMo has started off really well. I am currently at about 17,800 words and it's only Day 6. (Well, technically, to me at least, it's already Day 7 but I'm not doing any nighttime writing today.) I've forced myself to write even when I didn't feel like it, because I know I'll thank myself later. There will be days when it's great if I can put in any words at all, and that is why I want to stay ahead.
My biggest helper has absolutely been @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter. They do 5-30 minute sprints, give prompts and whatnot. They also remind me to back up my work, and that's good, because I keep forgetting to do that. Different sprint leaders have different styles and I've already learned to recognize a few of them. It's fun:)
I also like where my novel is going. I had an outline when I started but it only had the key points of the plot. That kind of an outline I need, to know where I'm headed, but I can't have a chapter by chapter -sort of outline. That's when I start sticking to it too loyally and forgetting anything else I could do, try or find out about.
The outline has held so far, except for one major point: Kalie and Vena were not really supposed to get to know each other until Book Two. And they have. They took their lives to their own hands and decided to become friends. I sort of fixed that today, though, because they fought. I didn't really want to do that, but it fixed so many plotholes that I had to. And my friends nicely encouraged me. Thank you guys for that - it became a very good fight and I'm actually quite happy with the scene.
My favourite scene so far is from a running class where Kalie and Vena are partnered up. They have a physical fight (part of the assignment they were given) and it ends with Vena kicking Kalie in the face and the latter still chasing the former to the finish line. It was fun to write :D
Now I'm signing off to bed. Long day tomorrow, but fun. Hopefully I'll get at least a few hunderd words in, even though I won't have very much time.
My NaNoWriMo has started off really well. I am currently at about 17,800 words and it's only Day 6. (Well, technically, to me at least, it's already Day 7 but I'm not doing any nighttime writing today.) I've forced myself to write even when I didn't feel like it, because I know I'll thank myself later. There will be days when it's great if I can put in any words at all, and that is why I want to stay ahead.
My biggest helper has absolutely been @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter. They do 5-30 minute sprints, give prompts and whatnot. They also remind me to back up my work, and that's good, because I keep forgetting to do that. Different sprint leaders have different styles and I've already learned to recognize a few of them. It's fun:)
I also like where my novel is going. I had an outline when I started but it only had the key points of the plot. That kind of an outline I need, to know where I'm headed, but I can't have a chapter by chapter -sort of outline. That's when I start sticking to it too loyally and forgetting anything else I could do, try or find out about.
The outline has held so far, except for one major point: Kalie and Vena were not really supposed to get to know each other until Book Two. And they have. They took their lives to their own hands and decided to become friends. I sort of fixed that today, though, because they fought. I didn't really want to do that, but it fixed so many plotholes that I had to. And my friends nicely encouraged me. Thank you guys for that - it became a very good fight and I'm actually quite happy with the scene.
My favourite scene so far is from a running class where Kalie and Vena are partnered up. They have a physical fight (part of the assignment they were given) and it ends with Vena kicking Kalie in the face and the latter still chasing the former to the finish line. It was fun to write :D
Now I'm signing off to bed. Long day tomorrow, but fun. Hopefully I'll get at least a few hunderd words in, even though I won't have very much time.
Monday, 2 November 2015
A Bad Day of Nano
Ugh. Again so very tired.
J. S. Bach is my saviour angel.
Today was not a good writing day. I didn't explicitly hit writer's block but I just didn't feel like writing at all. But as it's only the second day I didn't allow myself to not write - I want to update my word count as often as I can. The second day is not a good day to start lagging behind.
Not that I'm really lagging, thanks to those 5000 words yesterday. Only if I start riding on that and thinking "I don't need to write", then I won't, and bad results. I'm determined to hit at least a couple of hunderd words every day, and when I'm not ahead anymore, then at least the daily average of 1667 words. I'm determined to get this done.
Today I managed to squeeze out 1898 words, so I'm still pretty well ahead. They left me as tired as the 5K yesterday so I think it's time to call it a night now. My total word count at the moment is 7121.
Shooting for 10K tomorrow!
J. S. Bach is my saviour angel.
Today was not a good writing day. I didn't explicitly hit writer's block but I just didn't feel like writing at all. But as it's only the second day I didn't allow myself to not write - I want to update my word count as often as I can. The second day is not a good day to start lagging behind.
Not that I'm really lagging, thanks to those 5000 words yesterday. Only if I start riding on that and thinking "I don't need to write", then I won't, and bad results. I'm determined to hit at least a couple of hunderd words every day, and when I'm not ahead anymore, then at least the daily average of 1667 words. I'm determined to get this done.
Today I managed to squeeze out 1898 words, so I'm still pretty well ahead. They left me as tired as the 5K yesterday so I think it's time to call it a night now. My total word count at the moment is 7121.
Shooting for 10K tomorrow!
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